i've been struggling to be able to put into words what i've been feeling these past couple of weeks. when i get hurt by someone i usually am the one who says oh that's okay! don't worry about it! i am prone to let those walk over me but say nothing because i don't want to hurt their feelings or wanted to be the bigger person. since i can remember i never understood (and was against) the rules of airplanes when you had to put the breather thing on you first and then on the other person second in case of an accident. you guys know what i'm talking about? haha anyway, i just would always think that you should just always put people before you, even if they step on you. i mean, isn't that what we're taught to do? to be selfless?
well, that's what i thought. i never took care of myself because i didn't think it mattered when there was just so much work to be done! but what happens when that work is completed and it's just you? you don't even know yourself since you have been in routine anyway. i let close friends use me, cheat on me, talk bad about me and disrespect me without saying a word. that was my routine. that's what i thought friendship was and i was treated this way because it was my fault.
i never stood up for myself because i didn't think i was right.
i was scared that my opinion or my thoughts weren't enough.
i didn't notice this until i was finally taken out of the situation and had a higher perspective. now i look back and see that i wasted so much of my life trying to do what everyone else wanted me to. i didn't want to stand up for myself and then be left alone you know?
but guess what.
"there is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you; as we let our own light shine, we constantly give others the permission to do the same."
we are taught to pray for our enemies, of course! but you need to pray for yourself first. you can't be there for a loved one when they are in need if you aren't whole to begin with.
what does that have to do about anything?
i'm not really sure haha i had a different plan for this post but i just went with what i felt.
basically, the reason i haven't been around lately is because there was an instance with someone who i felt was kinda taking my place here, in the blogging world. i won't go into detail because it's all good now but it just completely made me feel like shiz and like i didn't matter. i made creations and they would be taken from me as someone else's. it hurt, i'm a baby. we all know this. i just took it hard because i like having a place here. it's not a very big room but i like it. i love the people that stop by.
so yeah, i know i have changed my layout a bajillion times in the last month or so
but i just needed to recreate a place that felt inspiring. i wanted it to be clean, light, fun but me (well me and my babe) (okay not really just me haha ). and it's funny 'cause i've had all these ideas in my head of how i want to better myself but i just stuck to this routine. now since this whole blog design thing i've had the kahonas to just do what i want to do. like redecorating my entire house, trying to cook better meals, being more thoughtful of others, going to the temple, and i don't know. just trying to be a little bit better. and trying to live the life i have imagined.
it feels good :)
and i don't have a transitional paragraph to close.